Mars attacks!

Shekhar Kapur’s Elizabeth: The Golden Age is infested with such clichés that my theater audience was reduced to openly scoffing. I still strain to decipher the symbolism behind a rival king praying to a candle which is suddenly snuffed out in the wind. The subtlety eludes me. It’s about the same level of writing as Shakalaka Boom Boom, where Bobby Deol shows-not-tells by tearing his musical rival’s CD in two.

Astrologer: When the storm breaks, some are dumb with terror and some spread their wings like eagles and soar.

Elizabeth: You are a wise man.

Astrologer: … You, Madame, are a very great lady. [Link]

And you, William Nicholson and Michael Hirst, are horrid screenwriters (paraphrased): ‘All we can do is try.’ ‘The only thing anyone has is hope.’ Throw in a ‘we’re not so different, you and I,’ and whee! We’re off to the Hallmark races.

Cutting out scenes establishing the monarch’s strength and character, Kapur skips straight to the frosting. All we’re left with is yards of fine silk, a skeletal Cate Blanchett and battle scenes more Björk than Braveheart. Kapur throws in references to profiling and holy war, but ends up proving only that Indians too can trample another nation’s heritage.

Word to the wise: this flick scores just 27% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Has anybody seen my swan?

Here’s the extended trailer: