Mike Myers has spent the last two years polishing an Indian guru character which was cut from Austin Powers 2 (thanks, Rahul). Guru Pitka is in the mold of nonsense-babbling godmen satirized by everyone from Goodness Gracious Me to The Guru to BoyMongoose to Gita Mehta. Myers has taken Pitka for a spin at Manhattan and LA comedy clubs:

Will the maddeningly overrepeated frat-boy catchphrases of the future be told in an annoying faux-Indian lilt? … recent shows in a small Soho theater and on 42nd Street attracted Topher Grace, Kristen Johnston, and Martha Plimpton as test audiences. Myers, with a fake nose, accent, and beard, dispensed fake wisdom (”In a perfect world, you don’t need a Utopia”) and chanted a fake mantra (”Mariska Hargitay“). He fielded questions about crystal energy and the meaning of life. He also donned a pair of assless chaps. [Link]

Mike Myers [did a] ‘Padsana on Human Potentiality and Equipoise by His Holiness the Guru Pitka’ show at the Magnet Theater. [Link]

Om mane Mariska Hargitay

“A Dharma-Talk and Sutra: The Four Laws of Happiness”… [Link]

… inappropriately touchy-feely guru offering “love seminars.” … “Austin Powers” also developed from stage to screen… [Link]

What amazed me most about the show was how real he played the character. I went into the show just expecting to laugh, but by the end I was marvelling at how much he actually knew about the various subjects he was asked about. And the acronyms were impressive. GOD, BIBLE, and BLOWME… [Link]

… his theme song…

Guru Pitka
Pitka Guru
Guru Guru
Pitka Pitka [Link]

Mike said he’s done with the Guru Pitka shows right now (bummer)… [Link]

The character will get its own feature film soon:

Mike Myers is in final negotiations to write, produce and star in an untitled self-help comedy at Paramount Pictures. The film, which Myers will co-write with Graham Gordy, centers on a self-help guru named Pitka who is called upon to solve a couple’s romantic problems. [Link]

Mr. O’Connor, Mr. Myers’s agent, said there were two completed drafts of the script, advanced discussions with Paramount Pictures and the possibility of sequels.

“He’s a love guru,” Mr. O’Connor said of Pitka. “He’s somebody who’s become an expert on relationships. That’s what leads me to think that if it works, it can be a franchise. The guru can be thrust into all kinds of situations in that regard…” [Link]

Several writers are worried the character may be racist:

Guru Pitka was, in some people eyes’, racially disturbing. It was a funny part, but it offended many Indians and I do not want a negative thing around Austin Powers. [Link of dubious truthiness]

Maybe Myers doesn’t understand the obvious difference between mocking a generation’s bad fashion and hairstyle choices and mocking someone’s religion, but I am guessing the response to the new guru in his life might be less than groovy, baby… [Link]

… that character — a Deepak Chopra-meets-the-Maharishi love doctor — is coming to a theater near you. I heard a description of the performance (this one in L.A.), and I’ll admit to feeling a bit dubious. Apart from the guru’s oft-repeated mantra (”Mariska Hargitay,” which does, upon reflection, sound like a delicious Punjabi dish), I thought the whole guru thing, mated with the Apu Kwiki-Mart golly-golly-gosh accent, sounded a little weak, possibly a tad offensive. (Although in the Hollywood of Nacho Libre, I’d argue that political correctness has been significantly rolled back.) [Link]

The key, of course, is whether he gets the accent right without devolving into crude Apu-ism. The accent has proven very resistant to native English speakers because of missing phonemes, incompetence and a racist lack of interest in getting it even close to being right. Myers or Dana Carvey might be talented enough to pull it off.

Here’s the cut guru scene from a draft of Austin Powers 2:

AUSTIN
Oh yes. Felicity, I can’t shag you. I’ve lost my mojo…

FELICITY
Austin, don’t worry. I know just the man to help you. He’s my guru. Ringo recommended him and he’s the best.

AUSTIN
I’ll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby!

48 EXT. AUSTIN’S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET

Austin’s plane in flight.

49 EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE

EXT./INT. BEETLE

Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India.

51 INT. ASHRAM

It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter.

MUSIC: sitar

FELICITY
There he is. That’s my guru.

We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari.

FELICITY
Guru, I’d like you to meet Austin Powers.

AUSTIN
How are you baby?

GURU PITKA
My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise.

AUSTIN
Good on ya. I don’t know what that means but it sounds fab.

FELICITY
Guru, we need some advice.

GURU PITKA
Hold your horses and any other beasts-of burden. I must lead my disciples in meditation and then I will help you.

The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees.

DISCIPLES
Ahhhhhh!

GURU PITKA
My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath.

DISCIPLES
Ahhhhhh!

GURU PITKA
Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. Well, when we were young we used to play a game called “Stinkmop”. We would urinate into a bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for “Stinkmop” and a very wise old man said to me ‘oh lighten up, Sparky’, and I don’t know, the name kind of stuck.

DISCIPLES
Ahhhhhhhh…

GURU PITKA
Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that ‘therapist’ often becomes ‘the rapist’ and that will not help us attain potentiality. Now what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel “nowhere”, and I am going to change that to “Now here.”

The guru holds up a card which says “NOWHERE = NOW HERE!”

DISCIPLES
Ahhhhhhh…

GURU PITKA
And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you “assume” You make an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.

Guru holds up a card which says “ASSUME = ASS - U - ME.”

DISCIPLES
Ahhhhhhh….

GURU PITKA
The being, or that which we call ‘ourselves’, is not the tinker. It is not the taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap!

Guru holds up a card that says “NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP” with the familiar Gap font.

DISCIPLES
Ahhhhh…

GURU PITKA
(rapid fire)
The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. There is no “I” in “team”. Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don’t take a wooden nickel. If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you’ll piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger.

DISCIPLES
Ahhhhh…

GURU PITKA
Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego. Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…Om Ay Vant Yu Hu.

DISCIPLES
(chanting)
Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…Om Ay Vant Yu Hu.

The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo.

GURU PITKA
Go with God, and pay at the door please.

The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach.

GURU PITKA
How can I help you?

AUSTIN
Guru, I’m having trouble performing.

GURU PITKA
What do you mean?

AUSTIN
You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy.

GURU PITKA
I’m not understanding.

AUSTIN
I’ve forgotten the steps to the Mummy-Daddy dance.

GURU PITKA
Still not clear.

AUSTIN
My flag’s at half mast and no one will salute it.

GURU PITKA
Sorry?

AUSTIN.
My Willie don’t work.

GURU PITKA
Why are you beating around the bush?

AUSTIN
That’s my problem.

GURU PITKA
Ohhhhh, I get it.
(beat)
No, I don’t get it.

FELICITY
He’s impotent!

AUSTIN
Alright, easy.
(to Guru)
Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn’t bat for six.

GURU PITKA
Oh, yes, I see.

AUSTIN
You have no idea what I’m saying, do you?

GURU PITKA
Not a word.

AUSTIN
Guru, I’ve lost my mojo.

GURU PITKA
Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you’ve lost your mojo because your chakras are misaligned. You have lost love.

AUSTIN
Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa?

FELICITY
Who’s Vanessa?

AUSTIN
She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn’t have loved her.

GURU PITKA
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love.

AUSTIN
Oh, I get what you’re saying now! He’s talking about free love, baby! Tune in, turn on, and drop out!

GURU PITKA
I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you are worthy.

AUSTIN
No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah. [Link]

And a classic sketch from GGM:

[Rings on a door]

The Guru Maharishi Yogi: Hello, do you want to be a Hindu?

Woman: Yes, I have always wanted to become a Hindu.

The Guru Maharishi Yogi: Well, you can’t! Have a nice day. [Link]