Matrimony in a time of cyberspace
When I was 20, I was convinced that the concept of the generation gap would soon cease to exist – that liberal-minded youngsters of my age had seen it all and could never be surprised by anything that the next generation did. Well, as I’ve indicated in earlier posts, the gap is just as wide as ever. New developments such as high-rise underwear have poured cold water on our smug certainties, and who knows what may lie ahead?
The cold and steely talons of technology have a firm grip on everything now, even the matchmaking process. In the pre-Internet days, there were matrimonial ads in newspapers for those of us who weren't seriously "going around" with someone. These ads typically sought to seduce members of the opposite sex (or their parents) with classy sentences like “i want a girl with no smokings and good ability in home work. if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while stepping out of house she should give respect to our cast”. They are still around, of course, but today’s youngsters also have access to better technology, and one of the notable sociological trends of our age is that of the “half-love, half-arranged” marriage that begins with young boys and girls “meeting” on matrimonial websites.
In many cases, these interactions are monitored by parents who set up profiles for their children (especially daughters), look at lists of prospective candidates and determine eligibility based on such criteria as caste, vocation, family status and type of fairness cream used; though the boy and girl are permitted to chat each other up and even plight their troth in cyberspace, the first real-world meetings often take place between their respective parents. (Unbeknownst to these parents, once a certain sort of understanding has been reached, the boy and girl frequently manage to sneak away together for a little pre-nuptial vacation in order to test the far more important criteria of physical compatibility. As a sweet young thing, a former colleague of my wife, put it, “If I’m going to marry this guy, I need to make sure he has adequate knowledge of positions.”)
Anyway, this manner of mate-finding brings its own complications, as I discovered when a New Zealand-based friend sent across an email exchange he had had with an over-ardent young lady shortly after they had got around to chatting on a matrimonial site. She was visiting Christchurch (where he lived) on work and offered to extend her stay on her own expense, so they “could spend an ample amount of time together”. Don’t alter your plans especially for me, he replied, mentioning that he might be a little busy with exams at the time, and that they could meet during her official trip. “Oh no, my parents have a lot of expectations of us meeting, and it takes more than one time” she said, adding several smiley icons for good measure, and went ahead and made her plans anyway.
As he had anticipated, my friend could only meet her once, at a dinner with other people present and not much opportunity for personal interaction. A few days later, he received a frosty email asking him to compensate her to the tune of 200 Australian dollars for the money she had “wasted on travel and accommodation”. In wifely fashion, she even gave him her bank account number so he could transfer the funds. He did the husbandly thing and obliged her, but not before writing a sarcastic reply pointing out that she was the one who had wanted to rush things.
My first thought on reading the mail exchange was that this was probably a once-in-a-lifetime pairing, given the excellent start they had made in the matter of bickering and passing blame back and forth – key ingredients of any healthy marriage. Later, my friend’s mother told me that the girl’s parents (probably unaware of what had transpired) had contacted her, mentioning that their children had met and asking if she knew what had come out of it. “You should have told them that they had a very good weekend together,” I suggested, “and that your son paid their daughter $200 for services rendered.”
The last I heard, he's thinking of recouping his losses by putting a new clause on his online profile, requiring any interested girl to deposit a provisional sum as pre-dowry. Best of luck to him.
The cold and steely talons of technology have a firm grip on everything now, even the matchmaking process. In the pre-Internet days, there were matrimonial ads in newspapers for those of us who weren't seriously "going around" with someone. These ads typically sought to seduce members of the opposite sex (or their parents) with classy sentences like “i want a girl with no smokings and good ability in home work. if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while stepping out of house she should give respect to our cast”. They are still around, of course, but today’s youngsters also have access to better technology, and one of the notable sociological trends of our age is that of the “half-love, half-arranged” marriage that begins with young boys and girls “meeting” on matrimonial websites.
In many cases, these interactions are monitored by parents who set up profiles for their children (especially daughters), look at lists of prospective candidates and determine eligibility based on such criteria as caste, vocation, family status and type of fairness cream used; though the boy and girl are permitted to chat each other up and even plight their troth in cyberspace, the first real-world meetings often take place between their respective parents. (Unbeknownst to these parents, once a certain sort of understanding has been reached, the boy and girl frequently manage to sneak away together for a little pre-nuptial vacation in order to test the far more important criteria of physical compatibility. As a sweet young thing, a former colleague of my wife, put it, “If I’m going to marry this guy, I need to make sure he has adequate knowledge of positions.”)
Anyway, this manner of mate-finding brings its own complications, as I discovered when a New Zealand-based friend sent across an email exchange he had had with an over-ardent young lady shortly after they had got around to chatting on a matrimonial site. She was visiting Christchurch (where he lived) on work and offered to extend her stay on her own expense, so they “could spend an ample amount of time together”. Don’t alter your plans especially for me, he replied, mentioning that he might be a little busy with exams at the time, and that they could meet during her official trip. “Oh no, my parents have a lot of expectations of us meeting, and it takes more than one time” she said, adding several smiley icons for good measure, and went ahead and made her plans anyway.
As he had anticipated, my friend could only meet her once, at a dinner with other people present and not much opportunity for personal interaction. A few days later, he received a frosty email asking him to compensate her to the tune of 200 Australian dollars for the money she had “wasted on travel and accommodation”. In wifely fashion, she even gave him her bank account number so he could transfer the funds. He did the husbandly thing and obliged her, but not before writing a sarcastic reply pointing out that she was the one who had wanted to rush things.
My first thought on reading the mail exchange was that this was probably a once-in-a-lifetime pairing, given the excellent start they had made in the matter of bickering and passing blame back and forth – key ingredients of any healthy marriage. Later, my friend’s mother told me that the girl’s parents (probably unaware of what had transpired) had contacted her, mentioning that their children had met and asking if she knew what had come out of it. “You should have told them that they had a very good weekend together,” I suggested, “and that your son paid their daughter $200 for services rendered.”
The last I heard, he's thinking of recouping his losses by putting a new clause on his online profile, requiring any interested girl to deposit a provisional sum as pre-dowry. Best of luck to him.
on Thursday, April 3rd, 2008, 9:44 am in Musings › 
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Hoarding
If people billed each other for bad dates, we’d all go bankrupt. I hope he got a receipt and mounted it next to his plexiglass IPO cubes.
A pre-dowry retainer…pure genius.
Or wrote off the $200 on his tax return as matrimonial expenses.
hahaha…what an idiot girl…I can’t believe your friend paid her the money. I wouldn’t have…and speaking of bad/cheap dates. I went on one where AFTER I split the check with the guy (I had cash, he put it on his card) he refused to leave a tip for the (very nice) waiter!
I had a friend who was on the other side of a similar story. She had unsuccessfully tried to pay the cost of air-ticket since after she met him, she felt cheated. He had lied on his profile with the usual :) - his picture wasn’t anything close to him, and he was not as tall or athletic as he had mentioned on his profile.
This reminded me immediately of the Darren Sherman saga
Speak for yourself, Manish.
this is really sad..sounds like a business meeting rather than meeting to meet ur potential life mate. I agree with Manish, billing like this is just so so sad and bad..
I book hotel for the guy who comes to meet me and guy pays for flight..he pays for lunch and I pay for dinner..makes it easy on both people..and no regrets at all..even if I end up paying a lil bit more I see it as spending on a friend..dont we all spend money on friends who are around us..
sometimes even indian matrimonial system with dowry demands,gift expectations from girls family side sounds to me more like a business deal..everything these days is so materialistic.
Most of the advs. in traditional matrimonial adv. always want homely yet working girls who are family oriented I agree with u , they want fair pretty young looking slim homely working young girl..and then there are those horoscope matches, their parents coming and checking ur house, doing background checks, expecting girls side families to pay for everything..list is endless.then dowry, gifts…sometimes it is just tiring to go through traditional marriage system..
these days I feel love marriages are the best..
And I think internet matrimonial sites are a blessing for people like me with no elders in the family to look for matches. Makes it easy to communicate to guys though u do recieve emails from a lot of bad guys too who are full of lies..Not everyone is truthful..
For me more than money, guys lying and wasting my time and my emotions is more painful and more irreplacable than money…
wish everyone is honest..
I hate to burst your bubble but as far as I know - background checks are de rigeur even in “love marriages” :-)
It must be so hard for you… not getting asked out, that is :)
We all have heard of similar horror stories with the online dating boom in Bangalore and elsewhere, including stories of folks who were already married trying to work over a new bride for everything but matrimony. But it makes for this funny shirt that I bought. My fiance liked the female version better. Probably more accurate from what I’ve heard.
Runa..the kinda background check Iam talking about is people trying to find out how much property u own and trying to marry u just for money..
I know the kinda of background check u are talking about here in US, I never did one but my friends do that..but still I hate the idea of doing all that and marrying someone..
I wish everyone was honest and people trust one another..wishful thinking..
cute T shirts jayant.. I found some real cool T shirts from sify website and mailed them to my brother in law who loved them..hitech ganesh T shirt, some cool inspiring sayings on T shirts..sify has good fun collection
http://shopping.sify.com/Apparel/Apparel_for_Men/TShirts/Humour-_menu_3___13176995.html
why only ‘these days’ ?
why only these days..interesting question..makes me think…
may be all these days I was too busy studying, getting job and then busy with career, busymaking a good living, busy with family reponsibilities and emergencies, family business, all the visa stuff and all that I never thought a girl with my kind of life can afford to fall in love and be in love.. falling in love, believing and living in love needs a lot of courage, time ,energy..
all my girlfriends who fall in and out of love every 3 months and can take risks keep asking me why for years and years I just dont meet anyone or give love marriage an option..people like me with a weak heart are better off gaurding our lives from falling in love…and probably I dont believe in infatuations, flings, flirts and all that dilly dallying..and probably it is very hard for me to be impressed by anyone or fall in love..
whenever family would talk about marriage since I come from a traditional family, I gave traditional marriages a try and realised Iam too idealistic, too independent, too rational and a lil bit too americanised in my thought process to agree to horoscope matches or dowry or other bad things associated with traditional marriages..
so may be now Iam more open, a lil bit free of some family responsibilities, and may be lil bit more open to love marriages..I feel at least when people fall in love may be they dont look at u as a source of dowry or something like that..I dont know.. so thats why these days I think may be people are more open and broadminded when they truly love someone..
I dont think I understand what true love is as yet, specially in this materialistic world where half the people want to marry u bec. u are fair and lovely,make enough money , cook good…most people seem to look at superficial stuff and think they are in love..may be Iam too pessimistic.. I dont have a proper answer for that question..