Social Studies Fighter II Turbo by the very funny Asher Sarlin

A Virginian Democrat and mom posted this hilarious analysis of Monday’s debate between Jim Webb and George ‘Macaca’ Allen (via DebateScoop). Fight!

George Allen: Note: Someone has

Allen: Smirker

Webb: Talks like James T. Kirk

told the man to smile while he talks. It looks bloody painful. Smirkety smirk-smirk, smirkysmirk smirk. Allen… gets right to sticking a Hillary/Kerry mask on Webb, coupled with a hairy and hot tax-raiser suit…

Jim Webb: Webb obviously eats nails for breakfast. I’m surprised this dude stopped with saying that women shouldn’t be in combat. He looks like he’s a hair away from asking the League of Women Voters for a chicken pot pie… He talks kind of like James T. Kirk, and if anyone told him to smile while speaking, Webb likely broke open that person’s head and fed her brains to the dog. [Link]

On Iraq:

Allen: Terrorists are totally awful people. I personally know the mother of one of the soldiers that died and she’s sitting in the third row right now, and she gave me her son’s dog tags and therefore I am completely not a heartless warmonger.

Webb: Republicans are splitting within their own ranks. We need strategies not clichés. If one more person says we need to stay the course and not cut and run, I’m going to cut their legs off and then poop a diamond… Note: Uses the word “internecine.” This is liberal code for “My opponent doesn’t even know the meaning of the word internecine.” [Link]

On sexism:

Senator Palpatine and Jim Webb

Webb: That article is 27 years old… I employ tons of women. Even my campaign manager is a woman. She has boobs and everything. [Link]

Affirmative action:

Webb: I feel like affirmative action was meant to fix the wounds of slavery, and then ballooned out to include all kinds of other minorities. Now, white males are the only ones excluded. I think it should only assist African Americans, who are the only ones who suffered from from slavery.

Allen: What about Indians, eh? Indians? Remember them? [Link]

Yes, macaca man, what about Indians? On politics:

Allen: You are friends with Hillary Clinton and John Kerry. You are totally their friend and they probably drove you here tonight…

Webb: Not so much… I’ll break your skull with my bare hands… [Link]

Foleygate:

Hong Webb and Susan Allen

Allen: As a father, I am totally smiling and mugging while I tell you that pedophilia is despicable. [Link]

Closing statements:

Allen: … I am the religious candidate. I smile while I talk…

Webb: … Allen is the White House’s little happy dog. Look if you were scared by 9/11 and thought you had to vote republican, this is a chance for you to return to the democrat party. Now you can be bold on national security and also feel comfortable with your candidate’s positions on social justice. I hope you feel you can now come home. A senator’s duty is to speak on behalf of those who have no voice. There are a bazillion lobbyists buzzing around Washington, and you need a senator who cannot be bought or bossed. I am that guy. I would appreciate your support. [Link]

Richmond War Room had a more serious analysis (via Raising Kaine):

… running over the allotted time just made [Allen] look a little silly… It also allowed for Webb’s “The bell has rung, George,” “George, the bell rang,” which will go down in the annals of Virginia politics as one of the great one-liners…

Look for Allen to be dogged hard by The Richmond Press Corps? for departing quickly, particularly by the Associated Press, whom birdies say had a good laugh at Allen’s expense…

… [Webb] had the verbal charm and grace that one expect from Marine Corps infantry, and his delivery was brusque. His little side exchanges with Allen made for good viewing, but they also cast Webb in a bit of a combative tone. That’s all well and good for the base, but moderates want to feel “invited” when they’re choosing a candidate… [Link]

Watch Allen tap-dance around the macaca slur. What’s up with the raised eyebrow?

You can also watch the entire debate.